of nothing at
all."
10. "Scott Sherwood of the F.B.I." (originally telecast
01/18/97)
Written by Rupert Holmes. Directed by Richard Shepard.
When Scott's Aunt Agatha visits the
station, he coerces Betty and Gertie into keeping his "dark secret"—he's told
his aunt that he's head of the Pittsburgh branch of the F.B.I. (29'14")
Guest Cast: Aunt Agatha: Jan Miner. Special Agent
Collins: Tom Tammi. C.J. the Engineer: C.J. Byrnes.
Episode Notes: Adrian
Carr, who went on to do theatre of the absurd, would be delighted with this
offering, with Betty and Scott digging themselves in deeper and deeper with every
word. (To Betty's credit, she gives back as good as she gets—there's a nice Nora Charles quality to her retorts.) If your
fingernails start to itch when Aunt Agatha shows up, you probably recognized
actress Jan Miner as "Madge the Manicurist" from the old Palmolive Dishwashing
Liquid commercials. It also looks like "Oh, will you look at the time" is a
Sherwood family tradition! Hmmm—at one point Aunt Agatha calls Scott "Scubby"—
childhood nickname, maybe? BTW, Keep your eye on C.J.'s expressions when Betty
and Aunt Agatha are in the control room.
WENN Programming/Sponsors: Crime Breakers
and Jed Jenner, G-Man are two crime-oriented series; the former, at least,
is sponsored by Acton Anthracite Coal (although there was a commercial in there
for Pilton's Pork Puree Sandwich Spread [smooth and chunky style]!). Maple longs
to play the part of Yvonne, the gun moll currently played by Hilary in Crime Breakers. Mackie stars
as Jed Jenner, with Jeff as Special Agent Fisher. Scott sells Merrick Mattresses
on a series called Sound Stream, which is really the sound of static as
the station is off the air during the time Sound Stream will be broadcast.
Episode Trivia: Scott plays golf. Aunt Agatha
(Agatha Sherwood Finch) is from Nantucket, Massachusetts (22 Prospect Avenue, to
be exact), and is on her way to visit her son-in-law in Detroit. She's got a
niece in Winnipeg. Betty tells Aunt Agatha that "WENN" stands for "Westerly
Easterly North Northerly," their location (west of Philadelphia, east of
Columbus, north of Charleston and more north of Miami). Scott also told Aunt
Agatha that when he was in London he was the American Junior Ambassador. Actually
the address he gave her was the Victoria Palace, a vaudeville house, and Maxine
at the box office told Aunt Agatha he had gone to Pittsburgh. He's also told Aunt
Agatha that he worked for the Nobel Prize committee (but considered his membership a conflict of interest since he'd been suggested for nomination so often). Hilary has performed
Crime and Punishment in Martha's Vineyard in the past. Turns out the
entire Sherwood family are masters of misdirection and Scott's supposedly the
"white sheep" of the family. He's been in the Merchant Marine, and Aunt Agatha
talked his way into the Boy Scouts and an Ivy League university.
At Least He's
Honest About It...:
Betty {incredulous}: "You just
sold them [Merrick Mattresses]...static! You
just sold them
the sound that
our wavelength makes when we're not on
the air!...I don't
believe you!"
Scott {thoughtfully}:
"Well, that's probably a good policy."
A Matter
of Evaluation:
{Scott's just
ordered Gertie to "frisk" Aunt Agatha outside}"
Scott: "Do you
understand me, Miss Reece?"
Gertie: "Never
fully, Mr. Sherwood, but that's part of your charm." ...
Betty
{incredulous}: "How can you be so cruel to that nice woman?"
Scott: "Well, I
have to be cruel to be kind, Betty. Kind to one of my own
kind..."
Betty: "That was
the most deceptive I've ever seen you."
Scott: "Really?"
{grins} "I thought you knew me much better than that."
{pause} "Well, I
have to deceive her so I won't disillusion her. That woman
thinks I'm a model citizen."
Betty {dismayed}:
"Then that was the most deceptive I've ever seen you."
Round One—
of Many—to Betty:
Aunt Agatha:
"...I suppose you have to be careful. A man in your chosen
profession must
make
many enemies."
Betty {brightly}:
"Oh, it wouldn't matter what profession he was in."
11. "The First Mrs. Bloom" (originally telecast
01/25/97)
Written by Rupert Holmes. Directed by Julian Petrillo.
Scott Sherwood has convinced the
sponsors of the series Bridal Bouquet that actual weddings are performed
on the show, and now Betty and Mackie must continue the ruse when one of the
sponsors' representative turns up. The hitch: the representative is none other
than Penelope Cominger, whom Mackie left at the altar 20 years before! (28'29")
Guest Cast: Penelope Cominger: Julie Hagerty. Enid
Fairleigh: Melissa Dye. Warren Dunlap: Robert Hogan. C.J. the Engineer: C.J.
Byrnes.
Episode Notes: An early Valentine—more
relationship developments on par with "Close Quarters," and
a look into the past of our own "Man of a Thousand Voices." Yes, that is Julie
Hagerty of the Airplane movies as Penelope. Enid makes
a return engagement (receiving the same treatment from Hilary Celia got many
episodes earlier). Doug Thompson is
mentioned again and there's yet another reference to The Wizard of Oz. And
do watch Betty and Scott in the background while Hilary, Mackie, and
Penelope are talking in the green room. Me, I want to know about those racy
chrysanthemums...
WENN Programming/Sponsors: Bridal Bouquet
is sponsored by Flowergrams, owned by Cominger Industries; Bridal Shower, a
dishwashing detergent; and the Erie-Lackawanna Railroad. In this episode, they're
also dramatizing the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, with Mackie as all but one of the title roles, Maple as Snow White, and
Hilary as the narrator.
Episode Trivia: Jeff and Mr. Eldridge have both
been awarded honorary diplomas by the Aldwych Academy of
Drama. Mackie left wealthy Penelope, a drama student, at the altar twenty
years earlier, fearing, as a poor actor, he couldn't support her. While in
London, Scott used to lead Victor Comstock to all the best pubs within walking distance
of the BBC. Scott is using the money from Flowergrams and sale of the
tickets from the Erie-Lackawanna Railroad to build a memorial for Victor; he had it designed by a student of Raymond Hood, designer of the RCA
building, and he plans to place the names of Victor's best programs on it.
Incidentally, he reveals for the first time that Victor's body was never
recovered after the bombing. Mackie's middle name is Cornelius.
Gertie Gets
'Em Back II:
Jeff: "Ah,
Gertie, if anyone wants me, I'll be at the Aldwych Academy of
Drama. They're
awarding me with an honorary diploma today...but, Gertie,
um, don't tell
Hilary—she'll sulk for days."
Gertie: "How
would we know?"
Do You Get
the Feeling Her Heart Isn't In It?
Hilary
{narrating}: "Tune in later this afternoon when another blushing bride
meets her
doom—uh, groom—here on Bridal Bouquet."
A Romantic
Invitation:
Betty {outraged}:
"You need to say 'by proxy' and you took it out of my
script!"
Scott: "Nobody
cares about that stuff."
Betty
{indignant}: "Our lawyer-"
Scott
{sarcastic}: "You mean Doug."
Betty
{insistent}: "He says we have to do that."
Scott {rises from
his seat}: "He says you need to get out more often."
Betty {nose
to nose with him}: "I do!"
Scott: "Fine!
What are you doing tonight?"
Betty:
"Absolutely nothing!"
Scott: "Movies
and an ice cream soda?"
Betty: "What
time?"
Scott: "Nine."
Betty: "Eight-
thirty!"
Scott: "I'll buzz
you from downstairs."
Betty: "All
right!" {stalks out}
Scott {smug}: "I
should have tried that sooner."
12. "Like a Brother" (originally telecast 02/01/97)
Written by Rupert Holmes. Directed by Howard Metzler.
Mr. Foley's brother, a loud,
overbearing hearing aid salesman, is the representative for WENN's new
sponsors—and the elderly gentleman helping him shill is none other than Mr. Eldridge's old friend Pepper Canarsie, an ex-vaudevillian now on hard times. (29'05")
Guest Cast: Pepper Canarsie: Eddie Bracken. Blair
Foley: Michael Patrick McGrath. C.J. the Engineer: C.J. Byrnes.
Episode Notes: While you plan strategies to off the
overbearing Blair (what an appropriate name for such a loud, annoying
individual!), you can sit back and watch the charming and wistful interplay
between Pepper and Tom Eldridge—when you're not giggling over the fact
that ever silent Mr. Foley has invented the laugh track! Tom Beckett's
wonderfully expressive face and the relationship between the two old friends are
special treats. Check out the map in the writers' room; it appears authentic to
the time, with the British Empire in red. The events in "Close
Quarters" took place a month earlier, according to Maple (who makes yet
another Errol Flynn joke). Plus there's the usual twig at the Pittsburgh
Pirates, another veiled reference to The Wizard of Oz—and yet a second
reference to the fact that Victor's body was never
recovered. (Hmmm. Do we think someone's trying to tell us something?)
WENN Programming/Sponsors: Pearl-a-Mint Dentifrice
sponsors Mackie's comedy series (BTW, Mackie's opening for Pearl-O-Mint echoes
Bob Hope's opening for his weekly radio show, which was sponsored by Pepsodent).
Crescendo Hearing Aids sponsors Crescendo Cabaret (they previously
sponsored a network show, The Crescendo Concertina Hour).
Episode Trivia: Pepper Canarsie has shared the same
bill with George M. Cohan, Harry Houdini, and Charlie Chaplin. Mr. Eldridge
befriended Pepper when he worked as a doorman at the Hippodrome. Scott and Betty
are planning to put Victor's memorial in his home town. Blair's nickname
for Mr. Foley is "bro-bro." Mr. Eldridge has children and grandchildren. Both Mr.
Eldridge and Pepper have fond memories of the Bedrosian sisters, identical twins (well *cough*, almost...). The Foley brothers owned a dog named Petey, and their parents live in Philadelphia.
It's In My
Job Description:
Pepper: "Well,
what do you do here, Tom?"
Eldridge: "Ohh,
same thing I did in New York."
Pepper: "You mean
you still don't know?"
Eldridge:
"Haven't a clue. But they say my presence here is indefensible."
Pepper {warmly}:
"Oh, I'm sure they said 'indispensible.'"
Eldridge
{chuckles}: "I wouldn't be too sure."
13. "Magic" (originally telecast 02/08/97)
Written by Rupert Holmes. Directed by Richard Shepard.
A complaint that the secret coded
messages at the end of Amazon Andy make no sense lead to a troubling
discovery, and Hilary's cryptic message during the show Magic Time—that
someone at the station "will pass through the doorway between life and death"—
adds yet another mystery to the evening. (28'00")
Guest Cast: Kurt Holstrom: David Leary.
C.J. the Engineer: C.J. Byrnes.
And John Bedford Lloyd as
Victor Comstock.
Episode Notes: Mystery, a touch of comedy, and
further revelations about our cast all blended into an absorbing half hour. The
subplot having to do with Hilary and Jeff's ESP act is especially interesting if
you've ever read anything about the subject. (Okay, how many other people
besides me took the time to decode Hilary's message to Jeff?) Note also the
verbal flashbacks that accompany the visual ones: C.J. asks Betty if she needs
someone to walk her to the trolley and Betty is
reading a poem about a grieving widow, echoing Scott's rebuke in "Radio Silence" ("That's Betty Roberts, the young widow of
WENN."). The visual flashbacks are from "Emperor
Smith" and "Hilary Booth, Registered Nurse."
WENN Programming/Sponsors: Hilary and Jeff play
clairvoyant and emcee in a mind-reading act show, Magic Time. Holstrom
Construct-o-Sets, owned by Kurt Holstrom, sponsors Amazon Andy. Captain
Amazon's sidekick is named Kippy.
Episode Trivia: One of the other guests on Magic
Time is Mayor-Elect Humphries (the third is Archbishop
Montague Chanin). Mackie's Uncle Leopold was cursed by a gypsy woman he jilted
(he died of the curse, "a shadow of his former self," at 95). Jeff and Hilary
cooked up their secret code while they were on tour with Razzle Dazzle,
to kill time. Scott did cryptography for the Popular Front during the Spanish
Civil War to avoid a prison sentence (he was promoting the World League of
Bullfighting in Madrid and there were accusations that the competition was
fixed—gee, why aren't we surprised? <g>). (Scott's reference to Guernica
puts the time of his being in Spain as approximately late 1936-early 1937.)
Blinded by
Affection:
{Jeff fumbles to
remove the blindfold Hilary was wearing for Magic Time as
Betty looks on}
Hilary: "Jeffrey,
will you please unfold me or whatever you call what you're
doing?"
Jeff {concentrating
on knot}: "Sorry."
Hilary [sighs}:
"You've been steering me around the station like the bland
leading the blind."
Jeff:
"Sorry, dear, but the reverend did a good job of tying this knot."
Hilary: "That's
how he makes his living, dear."
{Jeff chuckles
ruefully at her sarcasm}
Betty {excited}: "Hilary,
I have to know. Are you...are you really psychic or
clairvoyant or-"
Jeff: "Well, I
guess it's all right to tell you that Hilary doesn't possess any
special gifts."
Hilary: "Yes,
Jeffrey's a terrible shopper."
Jeff Singer returns to WENN after
his brush with death in London, finding WENN personnel in mourning for
Victor—especially Betty, whose reclusive behavior and odd writing habits unnerve
everyone including Scott. (31'12")
Newly reunited Jeff and Hilary's
performances have become so sickly sweet that the sponsors are complaining—and
blaming their behavior on Betty's scripts! Meanwhile, Eugenia goes on the air all
night to advertise Pittsburgh Pantry's new coffee, Agitato, and quickly works
herself into exhaustion. (26'22")
Scott decides to switch the
station to an all-news format on Wednesdays (WENN Newsday)—but the cast is at
a loss for material when nothing newsworthy materializes. (29'10")
Scott strikes up a deal with the
owner of the Aldwych Academy of Drama to provide "interns" at WENN to ease the
regular cast's workload—and the gentleman turns out to be none other than
Hilary's old acting coach, whose advice to the cast suddenly makes them unsure
of their abilities. (27'57")
The sponsor of The Hands of
Time—tough, catty Dusty Foxx of Midas Hand Cream—agrees to sponsor a gossip
show to bolster WENN's ratings, with a reluctant Hilary as the host, but only if
Scott will agree to kill off Hilary's character on The Hands of Time. (29'33")
In a special one-hour episode, the
folks at WENN are performing traditional Yuletide programming when they are
surprised by unexpected visitors: Gloria Redmond, a famous singing star who ended
her career abruptly a year earlier; Gil Martin, a English performer "on loan"
(in exchange for Victor and Jeff having broadcast at
the BBC); and Mr. Pruitt, the tight-fisted financier of Globe Enterprises,
the company that owns WENN. It's Pruitt who causes the most havoc: he orders that
the station broadcast no Christmas programming at all, enraging WENN's sponsors
and thwarting Betty's plans to go home for the holidays. (59'46")
In order to keep the sponsorship
of Monogram Records, WENN creates A Night on the Town in which Hilary
sings—however, since she suffers "mike fright" from a "traumatic experience"
years before, a reluctant Betty is her secret singing voice. That is, until a
famous musical star guest stars on the program! (30'26")
After Scott persuades Jeff to run
for city councilman, Hilary also throws her hat into the ring. (29'26")
When Mr. Foley appears at the
station with a rash, the doctor who does a regular medical program on WENN
diagnoses him as having a rare and contagious illness—and quarantines the staff. (28'56")
